Disclaimer

The products described in this catalog have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, the European Medicines Agency, the World Health Organization, or any other regulatory body currently in operation on this planet or any adjacent one. They have not been submitted for evaluation. No one has asked.

Clinical trials were conducted internally under conditions that would not satisfy peer review. Sample sizes ranged from "a few people we know" to "the general idea of a person." Control groups were not used, as it was unclear what a control group would look like for most of the conditions described, which are not conditions in any medical sense and should not be treated as such.

Regarding Efficacy

The Pharmacy makes no claims regarding the efficacy of any product. Efficacy implies measurable outcomes against defined criteria, and the conditions addressed here resist both measurement and definition. Whether Quellara actually suppresses ambient guilt is a question that assumes ambient guilt can be isolated, quantified, and pharmacologically targeted. We believe it can. We have no evidence for this belief. The belief persists.

Regarding Side Effects

Side effects listed for each product are based on self-reported patient experiences, which were collected informally and interpreted generously. Patients were not compensated for their reports, though several were given coffee. The distinction between a side effect and a primary effect is, in many cases, a matter of framing.

Regarding the Human Condition

The Pharmacy acknowledges that most of the conditions described in this catalog are not disorders. They are the ordinary experiences of being a person: forgetting names, replaying arguments, comparing yourself to others, standing in front of a closet full of clothes with nothing to wear. These experiences do not require treatment. They require recognition, which is what The Pharmacy offers, packaged in a format that allows the recognition to arrive sideways, as humor, rather than directly, as advice, which no one wants.

Regarding Actual Medical Advice

If you are experiencing a genuine medical or psychological condition, please consult an actual medical professional. The Pharmacy is not staffed by medical professionals. The Pharmacy is not staffed. The Pharmacy is a website.

For questions, concerns, or reports of adverse reactions to any product in our catalog, please consult the nearest mirror and ask yourself whether the thing you are feeling has a name. If it does, we may have a product for it. If it doesn't, we are working on one.